Month: April 2014

Sex and Assertiveness – Initiating sex

Lead the life you want
Lead the life you want

In my last blog on sex and assertiveness, I discussed four key steps to being confident in intimate situations. I mentioned some research done by the Assertive Sexual Communication Research Group. They asked students what situations they found difficult in relation to sex and sexual communication.

This is what they found:



Making sexual requests 41.7

Changing your mind once sexual contact has begun 36.7 Initiating any level of sexual contact 35.1

Saying ‘no’ to any level of sexual contact 33.3

Asking about or sharing sexual history 33 Asking about or sharing STI status 27.5

Stating your personal boundaries 27.2

Saying ‘yes but not now’ 23

Using protection 12.5

It’s staggering that even now, so many people have problems talking about sex, yet clearly it is still the case. In my last blog I outlined four key assertiveness abilities for intimate situations:

1 – You have the right to say ‘no’

2 – Recognise and deal with manipulation

3 – Avoid risk situations

4 – Ask for what you want Initiating sexual contact

Let’s look now at one of the other situations in the list above ‘Initiating any level of sexual contact’. Let’s assume for now, that you are already in a sexual relationship with the person. Know your partner well, and consider which of these ideas would work best for them. Remember, you may need different techniques for different situations and moods.

Put it in writing

Leave a sexy note where your lover will find it. The note can be on their pillow, or tucked into their wallet or purse, or any other suitable place. You could also send a hot text. How about writing messages such as: ‘I want you, now!’ ‘Can’t wait to be alone with you tonight’ ‘You make me hot. See you later!’ ‘Remember that time on the beach in Greece? Let’s do that again tonight!’

Just ask

How about just asking directly? You could ask: over dinner, or a shared glass of wine or when you’re getting in the shower when hugging in the kitchen. While being direct can work well, make sure the atmosphere is relaxed to begin with. A request at the wrong time is unlikely to work.

Have fun!

How about wearing something sexy and role playing? Many people feel self-conscious at first with this type of fun, but why not give it a try? What are your fantasies? Remember, it’s great to laugh while being intimate.

Offer a massage

Learn how to massage, your partner will love it. Don’t expect sex every time you give a massage though (unless your partner wants it). But this type of touch can be very loving and relationship-affirming. Massages don’t always have to be with your partner lying on the sofa, bed or floor. How about a massage in the shower?

What would you like to know about sex and assertiveness? Leave a message in the box below. I’d love to hear from you.